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Tournament Handbook - Golf Humor
After a two year long study, the National Science
Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences:
- The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball
- The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling
- The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football
- The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball
- The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis
- The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Laws of Golf
- No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
- Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
- Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
- Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
- No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
- The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
- Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
- Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
- Palm trees eat golf balls.
- Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
- Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
- A golfer hitting into your group will always be anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
- All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
- Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
- A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
- "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
- The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
- The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
- Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
- All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.
Do you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind?
Monica Lewinsky
O.J. Simpson
Ted Kennedy
Bill Clinton
Why?
Monica is a hooker
OJ is a slicer
Kennedy can't drive over water
Clinton doesn't know which hole to play.
The Rules of Bedroom Golf
- Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
- Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
- Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
- For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
- Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
- Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
- It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
- Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
- Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
- Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
- Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
- The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
- Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.
- Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
- It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
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